my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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