listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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