I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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