seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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