i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
