I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
