I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
