I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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