im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
