"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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