I just gift wrapped bread.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There r osticjed everywhere
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
