I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
