Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
