I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
