I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
