So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
