Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
