I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
