she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
