He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
