1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
