we have pet lesbian snakes
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
