And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
