best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
