i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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