nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
