THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
