i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
