now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
