No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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