i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
