If that was your dad, he is hot
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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