i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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