he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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