he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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