Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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