I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
