Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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