I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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