I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
