one two three fourrrrnication!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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