Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
