i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
