just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
