I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
