Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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