I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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