Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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