remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize