My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
even my farts smell like vagina
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
