I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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