By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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