Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
