i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
