How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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