My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
