Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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