everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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