I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
