well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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