I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
