you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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