Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
