Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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