Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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